When I was little I went to a backpacking camp founded on Quaker values in Vermont. My brother had gone the summer before and had a great time. Came back with new friends that wrote him letters in decorated envelopes, beaded necklaces, and tie-dyed shirts. The days before I went, all I could do was imagine all the fun I would have and all the friends I would make. This was the summer after sixth grade, so I was feeling extra in need of a confidence boost that would make me feel cool even though I didn't wear "Limited, Co." jeans with matching plaid shirts. Anyway, I got there, and it just didn't happen. I made friends, had fun, made tie-dyed shirts and beaded necklaces. But it wasn't at all like in my day-dream fantasies. Probably nothing would've lived up to the expectations I had in my 13-year-old mind. I do remember that as the summer I learned to never hold expectations because they will always let you down. That idea had never occurred to me before, which I remember was sad because imagining and dreaming of how things will be (which come hand in hand with expectations) were fun things to do.
Recently I have been finding myself day-dreaming, planning trips that may or may not ever happen. A roadtrip from Lima, through Cusco, to Bolivia is the newest. I have learned though that it's okay to fantasize--good in fact. Just also good to be flexible. Not plan out every detail. Not plan out every feeling that I could feel. But imagining trips, imagining I am other places, with other people--it's a wonderful escape and inspiring way to make those things happen. When I first got here, I used to have these dreams where I would be at Diesel Cafe on a trip home just for the weekend. It was always so wonderful to see people I love and a place I love even if it was a brief visit. The café always looked different than it did when I left. Last night I dreamed I was at Diesel, and next week I will be there. For a brief visit home to a café that I'm sure does look different. There's even a whole new café.
Anyway, all this talk about dreaming was inspired by a couple things. One by Chino who always talks about his dreams to me (which I don't mind because I am usually in them..which makes it okay on my list of things that must be in a dream for me to want to hear them.) The dream/reality babble is also from a movie that I love that I just re-watched called La science des rêves or ("Science of Sleep.") Gael García Bernal (swoon) will take you through his experience of life through a blurred boundary between reality and dreams. He's an artist, has a crush on his neighbor who is also an artist, but his dreams keep interrupting his reality. It's beautiful, sad, and inspiring.
Point is, I've been thinking about expectations and dreams, and how I don't really need to banish them the way I thought I did after summer camp. Also, if I dream of doing something, why would I not do everything I could to make that dream come true?
