Do you ever feel numb? I don't know if numb is the right word, but it's the word that has come into my head a lot recently. I think it's one of the most awful states of emotions. It's like you're seeing something that is supposed to be moving or stirring, and all you can think about is something mundane. I am probably exagerrating my feelings, but in the last couple days I have been thinking about this state of emotion. I think what triggered it was actually reading my friend Zoe's email from her current adventure at a 4-month retreat at a Buddhist meditation center. I actually hate to admit that it stirred me so much, but she talked about the clarity in which she understands her own being and voice which will now help her understand and live in the world. I think I'm kind of nervous that I am close to understanding and caring about things, but maybe I don't always get all the way there to real clarity. Maybe I'm not totally aware of myself in a way that will keep me from really opening up to and perceiving others?
Sometimes when I feel like I am not adequately expressing my emotions after observing something impressively beautiful or touching, I think about this friend from my abroad trip in Bolivia. Denali was overly expressive in Bolivia, and I am happy that don't express the exact same way as her. But sometimes I feel like I need a little caffeine boost, and then I will be really excited about something or really expressive. Maybe that's really all it is. A couple weeks ago I had an espresso, and I just got in this great lively mood. Maybe I just need a little more coffee in my life.
Anyway, I was thinking about all this stuff last Friday when I was in Carabayllo, which is the northern part of Lima which is mostly shantytowns and farms. It's where I do my water research, Carlos works with the children, and Collin teaches swimming. As I was riding along on the long trip out to the small town I was visiting that afternoon, Huarangal, I was wondering if I was really open and aware in a way that was really letting me observe and get excited. I had just read Zoe's email and was getting worried that I won't really experience life with as much excitement as I can until I am retired and discovered Buddhism. (I don't really have plans to discover Buddhism when I'm retired.) To put up a case saying that I DO really feel things and experience the world, I should describe my afternoon in Huarangal that day that I made reference to in my last post. It was a really amazing afternoon in terms of seeing how another culture welcomes in a public works project.
On the bus ride a mother and son got on with a chicken and baby chicks. Right after them another pair came on with a dead pig in a bucket. Literally. I think they had maybe cut off it's hind legs and butt and just stuffed it in a bucket. It's front legs and head were sticking out. The skin was all white. Later that day at the eating part of the festival for the water, we were served pig. On Carmen's plate I could see a hairy piece of pig. Eww.
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